Little Jonathan

It's been 6 years today since I said goodbye to my little Jonathan. I remember how peaceful his little face looked--just like he was sleeping. I always wonder what he would look like today and if he would be anything like Monroe. Malaki still talks about him once in awhile--He misses the brother he never got to have. Having Zuri so close to his birthday has been strange for me this year. She is fresh and little just like he was so it is a constant reminder today. Her skin peeling off of her hands makes the memories even harder, as was his. It's kind of a bittersweet feeling. I mourn him but Im so happy she is here and healthy and I appreciate her all the more. I still do have fears I will wake up in the middle of the night and she will be gone. Im always waiting for something tragic to happen. I hate living this way but I can't help the thoughts even though if something were to happen it's all in Gods hands. I think all mothers check on their babies in the middle of the night but my senses after Jonathan have been heightened. Sometimes I wake up mutliple times b/c she hasnt woke up and I will check on her...holding my breath.
Saying goodbye and handing him over was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. that is one of those moments that play back in my mind. I miss my baby Ziggy (as Malaki called him) and can't wait to someday see and hold him again.