Miss you Nanny

It's been 1 year today since nanny has been gone and it's still very hard to deal with -- The kids and I miss her terribly. It almost seems surreal. To me she has always been old and I know every life comes to an end, but not my nanny-She was just supposed to stay old and live forever. I still hold onto the fact I wasn't by her side at that very moment. Even though I was in the same room I wanted to be there holding her hand so she knew she wasn't alone and It was okay-she didn't have to be scared or even if she was we were there for her. After raising my sister, me and my kids for 36 years it's the LEAST I could have done. I keep beating myself up and have been the past year-I dwell on it. Living in the same house I grow in with Nanny for the past 25 years doesn't help. I go in the girls room and I can see her sitting at the desk looking out the window, in the kitchen (singing her songs, doing dishes, unhooking that fish I went fishing for but hoped I wouldn't catch), and at the kitchen table watching TV....so many memories. I am even sad she doesn't get to experience the things I know she would have loved like our nice finished living room with the HUGE TV, seeing how much the kids have grown (the cute things they say, do and the beautiful pictures they would have colored for her), and getting to hold and see her Beautiful new great grandbaby. I wish my kids would have had the chance to know her like I did-Malaki and Monroe are fortunate enough to have had the chance to live some of their lives with her in it to the point they wouldn't forget her. I'm not done asking her bout her life,what it was like, what she did, what happened. I asked when I thought of something but I am always thinking of things I wished I would've asked her and now I'll never know. It has especially been hard from the week before Christmas till my Birthday. I remember where I was and what I was doing/feeling all of those days....especially my birthday. I woke up this morning and remember all the events of the day/times and vivid pictures in my mind. I wish I didn't have a Birthday. How can I be "Happy" or even want to celebrate when such a sad thing happened. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad she is no longer in pain but I miss her and it was the most horrific thing I have ever had to witness/experience. It wasn't supposed to happen like that. In my mind she rolled over, went to sleep and never woke up-very peaceful. I wonder why, why of all days in a year was it on this day? Why suffering in this way? What's the purpose? What is/was God doing? In some strange way I feel like it almost keeps me connected to her. Okay, I'm tired of crying and talking about my hurts because I could go on and on and on. How about some random memories
I remember when
-(my earliest memory)I must have been 2 or so and she brought bottle in for my sister to give to me
-(3 or so) long story really short. I had a hot dog my sister had sprayed blood on and I didn't want to eat it. I told her I didn't want it b/c there was blood on it and sh told e the wasn't and to eat it...I didn't
-delivering newspapers with her
-pinching and jumping on her fake boob and asking her if it hurt-she thought that was funny:)
-she was mad at my sister and couldn't get to her so she threw a broom at my sister like it was a javelin and it got her in the face (It's okay...we can laugh about this now)
-Oh the things she would say to the prank callers !!
-all the running she used to do for me. Now that I have my own kids I would never dream of it!
-one of the most recent. She had my mom call to make sure I didn't stick my hand in the garbage disposal when it was on! come on Nan....I'm blonde but give me some credit here!:)
I will never be able to look at life/death the same again

Merry Christmas!

Well, where to start....
Monroe turned the big number 5 on the 13th! The day before she had a birthday party with some of he friends here at the house. She wanted a castle cake so I made one. It took me all day and the the turrets kept falling over-- I thought I was gonna have a meltdown! She had a great time with her friends. I was glad it was a special time for her. She is always so full of love and affection. She has been such a blessing the past 5 years, I LOVE HER! (even if she is he most doplic girl I know;) ) Thanks to all of you who sent her cards-she really loves getting mail! I need to be better at having her call you to tell you that herself~
Zuri.....my sweet little Zuri (or "Turtle" as her daddy has nicknamed her). I CANNOT get enough of her-- She's s darn cute I just want to squeeze her:) She is few day shy of being 2 months. She has been smiling at me when I talk to her for a few weeks now, rolls to her side and is starting to coo a bit too. Her last doctors apt was a few days ago and she is up to 10.8 lbs and 22 1/2 inches long! She sleeps pretty well through the night, only getting up around 5 or 6. She still has her blue eyes and all her dark hair so maybe I'll get that blue eyed dark haired baby I have always dreamed of having:) She is Pretty spoiled in the area of being held. She lets you know that she is very aware she is not in your arms-LOL! She is so wonderful she makes me want to have 10 more! the other day Josh looked so exhausted and he was spending some time on the floor with the 2 older girls and then it was time for him to hold Zuri for a moment and he looked like he was gonna fall over. I said " are you sure you want to do this again?" and he nodded his head yes. He is as crazy as I am and must feel like I do-that the exhaustion is worth every moment for these darling irreplaceable babes.
Malloy is warming up to having a baby sister around. She still doesn't really bother with her and doesn't choose to be near her but at the same time she doesn't do mean things to her so I ca deal with that. The other day she said she said "I love my baby sister" and I said "do you wan to give her a kiss?" She shook her Head yes and kissed her on the arm. That was a huge step! She also will correct you if you call her Zuriel she will say "no, it's Zuri!" Malloy is by far still Daddy's sunshine.
Malaki helps me out with the baby when he gets a chance. he offered to hold her yesterday b/c she was crying and she ended up falling asleep in his arms. He said to me the other day that he understands the bible now. I asked him to elaborate and I think what he was getting at was he understood what was being talked about with some lesson he had heard and not necessarily the full Gospel. I used that opportunity to explain the Gospel (again) and he said "I know that". I asked him if he believed that and he said yes at the same time sluffing me off b/c he had heard it before. Still Praying that God works in his heart.
Christmas morning was so fun. Malloy is always the first one up in the morning. I got out with her to the living room (Not sure that she realized Santa really was coming). She stops at the entryway and stair at the play kitchen and all the presents, turns around to look at me with a blank stare and I said "Look at all the presents Santa brought!". She turns around and takes off running right to the kitchen- She was so excited. We all took turns unwrapping our gifts and I have to say, for me this was the most exciting Christmas! It is such a neat experience having a little baby just about as small as baby Jesus would've been at this time. I imagine what Mary must have felt getting to hold her precious angel and knowing that tiny baby was our savior!
The kids all enjoyed their gifts and shared the toys better then I could've imagined. Malaki was a little off and not so pleasant to be around (a little disappointing). Josh go me some gifts I wasn't expecting which was a big surprise b/c I usually have an idea of what I'm getting (I'm hard to surprise). I got a Vera Bradley bag, organizer, and pen , a Carhartt coat, and a guitar! (and some smaller oddds and ends) I have been wanting to learn the guitar for some time and now I will finally be able to and cant wait to start lessons! I got Josh a bunch of Old Navy/Gap clothing in size L Tall so they fit his long arms, some blu-ray dvd's and a Wii hunting game.
All those material things are fun but the best and most important gift we have ever received is our Lord Jesus Christ! What a wonderful time of year!:)

Little Jonathan

It's been 6 years today since I said goodbye to my little Jonathan. I remember how peaceful his little face looked--just like he was sleeping. I always wonder what he would look like today and if he would be anything like Monroe. Malaki still talks about him once in awhile--He misses the brother he never got to have. Having Zuri so close to his birthday has been strange for me this year. She is fresh and little just like he was so it is a constant reminder today. Her skin peeling off of her hands makes the memories even harder, as was his. It's kind of a bittersweet feeling. I mourn him but Im so happy she is here and healthy and I appreciate her all the more. I still do have fears I will wake up in the middle of the night and she will be gone. Im always waiting for something tragic to happen. I hate living this way but I can't help the thoughts even though if something were to happen it's all in Gods hands. I think all mothers check on their babies in the middle of the night but my senses after Jonathan have been heightened. Sometimes I wake up mutliple times b/c she hasnt woke up and I will check on her...holding my breath.
Saying goodbye and handing him over was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. that is one of those moments that play back in my mind. I miss my baby Ziggy (as Malaki called him) and can't wait to someday see and hold him again.

It's A Girl!!!!!!

Welcome (Zuri) Zuriel Zurene Palmatier! Born Wednesday October 28, 2009 at 7:53 am. She was 7 pounds, 5 ounces and 19 1/2 inches long.
I know alot of people are suprised that we didnt stick with M's. I suprised myself too!
Zuriel is Hebrew and means "God is my rock". Zuriel was the son of Abihail (Num. 3:35). A Levite, Zuriel was chief prince of the Merarites at the time of the Exodus.
The surgery went great. They told me they started and my Dr. said they wouldn't take the baby out until Josh was in the room. For a minute that made me nervous he wouldn't make it in the room for the "big moment"--but he was there when she arrived. The nurse by my side told me the baby had "lots of hair!" and I said "It has hair?!" This would be my first baby to have this much hair.....and it's really dark! The nurses all made a fuss over her. She did have 2 circular bruises, 1 on each side of her face due to the fact they had to use forceps to get her out. they were gone in 2 days-- babies heal so quickly!
She was a little jaundice so she spent her last 2 days on a billy blanket (another little glow worm). I had been in the hospital for 5 days and was ready to go home. My recovery was the best ever. I only took Motrin for pain when I needed it as where in the past I would be on Vicadin(sp) right after delivery and even at home. I feel for the first time I have been able to enjoy my baby due to how well recovery was and not having to be medicated for tremendous pain (so thankful to God for this). Josh had spent most of that time at home redoing our bedroom (new paint and floors). It was supposed to be a surprise but I am not easily surprised. Thanks for working so hard babe....I do LOVE our new room:)
Zuri seems to be a good mix of the both of us,unlike Malloy who looked just like Josh from the moment I first saw her. Monroe just adores her- She wont stop kissing her. Malaki likes her too- His plan is since she wasn't a boy he'll make her a tomboy. Malloy didn't like to even get close to her let alone look in her direction -- She says "I don't like her" and "I don't want her". Today she told daddy to "put it down". We did get her to hold the baby yesterday. She wanted me to take her picture so I told her she had to hold the baby and she did but was ready to be done right after the pic. She also keeps calling her a him/he. She is warming up to having a new member of the family:)
Zuri has been so wonderful. I love her tremendously. I think with each child my love for them gets bigger. I thought that it would be opposite having more children would make me used to having them or take for granted how wonderful they are but it's nothing like that. It just gets better and deeper with each one. I thank God for all the blessings he has given me......recently I feel they have been numerous. I feel so fortunate for how well everything went and that Zuri is healthy and on top of that a really good baby (and I think she has been my cutest yet).
It may sound silly but I think Josh not having a job has been the best thing that could have happened. Our medical bills are paid in full, he has developed a better relationship with the kids, he gets to spend more time then usual with his new baby girl (these times fly), and we get to spend some much needed time with him. All evidence that God is provident and sovereign!!!
I am excited to see where he is taking us and what is in store next.
Josh is such a wonderful dad--I hope our kids realize how lucky they are.

Corn Day

Today we husked 10 dozen ears of corn. The kids helped alot, especially Malaki. Malloy did really well husking them by herself and had no complaints. She would get so excited when she got the the actual corn-she would say "look mommy look, popcorn". Monroe did okay the first round but the second time I asked for her help she acted as if it were torture. Of course Malaki was the biggest help being most capable-he did alot and even cleaned up the leaves after we were finished. And me....well Its been a few hours and my thumb and pointer finger is still numb from cutting it all off the cob!

Washington Zoo

Friday we went to the Washington Zoo. The girls had a great time. Malloy wanted to get in the exhibits with all the animals...mostly the really dangerous ones like the tigers, lions, gorillas, panda bears. When we got to the tortoise exhibit she said " I love all dem" while motioning her hand/arm in a circle then wanted to "get in der". When it came to the elephant, Malloy screamed "daddy look, its an elephant!". She really didn't like the invertebrates and didn't even want to be close to the glass. They had a new addition to the Gorilla family and It was just the cutest thing I have ever seen! It was the size of a human infant and just clung and crawled all over mom. The girls were excited to see the orangutans make their way up a tower and make their way across the wires to the other building. Monroes favorite animal was the elephant shrews (They looked like mini ant eaters). Monroe has been asking to go the zoo for quit some time now so you can just imagine how excited she was when she found out where we were going for the day! I love to suprise the kids:)

Daddy swept them off their little feet!

Today was a fun day for the kids. I took them to chucke cheese for lunch--total suprise for them (and me)! They were so excited and Malloy had a huge smile on her face just about the whole time. Chucke came out and Monroe was so excited to meet him and even gave him a high five. Malloy wanted to go see him (I had to hold her) but when he came to give her a high five she started to panic and cry. Malaki was really kind to Monore--She didnt have many tickets so she got 1 prize and she was sad (Malloy had 4x as many tickets) so Malaki suprised her by getting her some things that she had wanted with his own tickets. How exciting to see God working in him!

When daddy got home today he had brought flowers home for each of us girls. They/we felt so special! I wish you all could have seen the girls beaming. Malloy had just woke up from her nap and was miserable. --so miserable that she wasnt even excited to see that daddy was home (It is rutine for her to run for him and scream that daddys home). She just sat, cuddled in my lap, and was short and snappy. When he gave her the flowers she got a huge smile on her face. Monroe gets so excited (doesnt take much)--she said Daddy loves her. I got the yellow flowers, Monroe got the light pink and Malloy got the dark pink. THANKS DADDY....WE LOVE YOU!

Mountains

We went to the mountains (keating) this past weekend with my brother-in-law and my nieces and nephew. Our family got their about dinner time Friday and made mountain pies over the camp fire. The rest of the gang didnt show up until midnight. The phone was driving me nuts...kept ringing (I eventually unplugged it). The people on the other end could hear us but our end of the line was totally dead. We had no cell phone reception so I guess its good we didnt have an emergency! Saturday the dog went nuts running around the yard and Josh realized Rueger had gotten into a bees nest and they were all over the poor guy. He took him down to the river so he could drown them off. Probably about a half hour later I saw that Malloys little face was a bit swallon around her neck/jaw area. I think she was stung too, but she took it well - We never heard a peep out of her. Her little face looked so fat from the side. We went swimming in the river Saturday and Sunday. It was so beautiful--crystal clear and just the right temp.! We left Sunday around dinner and on the way home we saw this huge black mass along the side of the hiway. it was a giant black bear. The first one I have ever seen in the wild....to bad it was dead. Sorry for the lack of fun pictures--My battery went dead right after i started using it and I didnt bring the charger:(