Miss you Nanny

It's been 1 year today since nanny has been gone and it's still very hard to deal with -- The kids and I miss her terribly. It almost seems surreal. To me she has always been old and I know every life comes to an end, but not my nanny-She was just supposed to stay old and live forever. I still hold onto the fact I wasn't by her side at that very moment. Even though I was in the same room I wanted to be there holding her hand so she knew she wasn't alone and It was okay-she didn't have to be scared or even if she was we were there for her. After raising my sister, me and my kids for 36 years it's the LEAST I could have done. I keep beating myself up and have been the past year-I dwell on it. Living in the same house I grow in with Nanny for the past 25 years doesn't help. I go in the girls room and I can see her sitting at the desk looking out the window, in the kitchen (singing her songs, doing dishes, unhooking that fish I went fishing for but hoped I wouldn't catch), and at the kitchen table watching TV....so many memories. I am even sad she doesn't get to experience the things I know she would have loved like our nice finished living room with the HUGE TV, seeing how much the kids have grown (the cute things they say, do and the beautiful pictures they would have colored for her), and getting to hold and see her Beautiful new great grandbaby. I wish my kids would have had the chance to know her like I did-Malaki and Monroe are fortunate enough to have had the chance to live some of their lives with her in it to the point they wouldn't forget her. I'm not done asking her bout her life,what it was like, what she did, what happened. I asked when I thought of something but I am always thinking of things I wished I would've asked her and now I'll never know. It has especially been hard from the week before Christmas till my Birthday. I remember where I was and what I was doing/feeling all of those days....especially my birthday. I woke up this morning and remember all the events of the day/times and vivid pictures in my mind. I wish I didn't have a Birthday. How can I be "Happy" or even want to celebrate when such a sad thing happened. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad she is no longer in pain but I miss her and it was the most horrific thing I have ever had to witness/experience. It wasn't supposed to happen like that. In my mind she rolled over, went to sleep and never woke up-very peaceful. I wonder why, why of all days in a year was it on this day? Why suffering in this way? What's the purpose? What is/was God doing? In some strange way I feel like it almost keeps me connected to her. Okay, I'm tired of crying and talking about my hurts because I could go on and on and on. How about some random memories
I remember when
-(my earliest memory)I must have been 2 or so and she brought bottle in for my sister to give to me
-(3 or so) long story really short. I had a hot dog my sister had sprayed blood on and I didn't want to eat it. I told her I didn't want it b/c there was blood on it and sh told e the wasn't and to eat it...I didn't
-delivering newspapers with her
-pinching and jumping on her fake boob and asking her if it hurt-she thought that was funny:)
-she was mad at my sister and couldn't get to her so she threw a broom at my sister like it was a javelin and it got her in the face (It's okay...we can laugh about this now)
-Oh the things she would say to the prank callers !!
-all the running she used to do for me. Now that I have my own kids I would never dream of it!
-one of the most recent. She had my mom call to make sure I didn't stick my hand in the garbage disposal when it was on! come on Nan....I'm blonde but give me some credit here!:)
I will never be able to look at life/death the same again

Merry Christmas!

Well, where to start....
Monroe turned the big number 5 on the 13th! The day before she had a birthday party with some of he friends here at the house. She wanted a castle cake so I made one. It took me all day and the the turrets kept falling over-- I thought I was gonna have a meltdown! She had a great time with her friends. I was glad it was a special time for her. She is always so full of love and affection. She has been such a blessing the past 5 years, I LOVE HER! (even if she is he most doplic girl I know;) ) Thanks to all of you who sent her cards-she really loves getting mail! I need to be better at having her call you to tell you that herself~
Zuri.....my sweet little Zuri (or "Turtle" as her daddy has nicknamed her). I CANNOT get enough of her-- She's s darn cute I just want to squeeze her:) She is few day shy of being 2 months. She has been smiling at me when I talk to her for a few weeks now, rolls to her side and is starting to coo a bit too. Her last doctors apt was a few days ago and she is up to 10.8 lbs and 22 1/2 inches long! She sleeps pretty well through the night, only getting up around 5 or 6. She still has her blue eyes and all her dark hair so maybe I'll get that blue eyed dark haired baby I have always dreamed of having:) She is Pretty spoiled in the area of being held. She lets you know that she is very aware she is not in your arms-LOL! She is so wonderful she makes me want to have 10 more! the other day Josh looked so exhausted and he was spending some time on the floor with the 2 older girls and then it was time for him to hold Zuri for a moment and he looked like he was gonna fall over. I said " are you sure you want to do this again?" and he nodded his head yes. He is as crazy as I am and must feel like I do-that the exhaustion is worth every moment for these darling irreplaceable babes.
Malloy is warming up to having a baby sister around. She still doesn't really bother with her and doesn't choose to be near her but at the same time she doesn't do mean things to her so I ca deal with that. The other day she said she said "I love my baby sister" and I said "do you wan to give her a kiss?" She shook her Head yes and kissed her on the arm. That was a huge step! She also will correct you if you call her Zuriel she will say "no, it's Zuri!" Malloy is by far still Daddy's sunshine.
Malaki helps me out with the baby when he gets a chance. he offered to hold her yesterday b/c she was crying and she ended up falling asleep in his arms. He said to me the other day that he understands the bible now. I asked him to elaborate and I think what he was getting at was he understood what was being talked about with some lesson he had heard and not necessarily the full Gospel. I used that opportunity to explain the Gospel (again) and he said "I know that". I asked him if he believed that and he said yes at the same time sluffing me off b/c he had heard it before. Still Praying that God works in his heart.
Christmas morning was so fun. Malloy is always the first one up in the morning. I got out with her to the living room (Not sure that she realized Santa really was coming). She stops at the entryway and stair at the play kitchen and all the presents, turns around to look at me with a blank stare and I said "Look at all the presents Santa brought!". She turns around and takes off running right to the kitchen- She was so excited. We all took turns unwrapping our gifts and I have to say, for me this was the most exciting Christmas! It is such a neat experience having a little baby just about as small as baby Jesus would've been at this time. I imagine what Mary must have felt getting to hold her precious angel and knowing that tiny baby was our savior!
The kids all enjoyed their gifts and shared the toys better then I could've imagined. Malaki was a little off and not so pleasant to be around (a little disappointing). Josh go me some gifts I wasn't expecting which was a big surprise b/c I usually have an idea of what I'm getting (I'm hard to surprise). I got a Vera Bradley bag, organizer, and pen , a Carhartt coat, and a guitar! (and some smaller oddds and ends) I have been wanting to learn the guitar for some time and now I will finally be able to and cant wait to start lessons! I got Josh a bunch of Old Navy/Gap clothing in size L Tall so they fit his long arms, some blu-ray dvd's and a Wii hunting game.
All those material things are fun but the best and most important gift we have ever received is our Lord Jesus Christ! What a wonderful time of year!:)