Miss you Nanny

It's been 1 year today since nanny has been gone and it's still very hard to deal with -- The kids and I miss her terribly. It almost seems surreal. To me she has always been old and I know every life comes to an end, but not my nanny-She was just supposed to stay old and live forever. I still hold onto the fact I wasn't by her side at that very moment. Even though I was in the same room I wanted to be there holding her hand so she knew she wasn't alone and It was okay-she didn't have to be scared or even if she was we were there for her. After raising my sister, me and my kids for 36 years it's the LEAST I could have done. I keep beating myself up and have been the past year-I dwell on it. Living in the same house I grow in with Nanny for the past 25 years doesn't help. I go in the girls room and I can see her sitting at the desk looking out the window, in the kitchen (singing her songs, doing dishes, unhooking that fish I went fishing for but hoped I wouldn't catch), and at the kitchen table watching TV....so many memories. I am even sad she doesn't get to experience the things I know she would have loved like our nice finished living room with the HUGE TV, seeing how much the kids have grown (the cute things they say, do and the beautiful pictures they would have colored for her), and getting to hold and see her Beautiful new great grandbaby. I wish my kids would have had the chance to know her like I did-Malaki and Monroe are fortunate enough to have had the chance to live some of their lives with her in it to the point they wouldn't forget her. I'm not done asking her bout her life,what it was like, what she did, what happened. I asked when I thought of something but I am always thinking of things I wished I would've asked her and now I'll never know. It has especially been hard from the week before Christmas till my Birthday. I remember where I was and what I was doing/feeling all of those days....especially my birthday. I woke up this morning and remember all the events of the day/times and vivid pictures in my mind. I wish I didn't have a Birthday. How can I be "Happy" or even want to celebrate when such a sad thing happened. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad she is no longer in pain but I miss her and it was the most horrific thing I have ever had to witness/experience. It wasn't supposed to happen like that. In my mind she rolled over, went to sleep and never woke up-very peaceful. I wonder why, why of all days in a year was it on this day? Why suffering in this way? What's the purpose? What is/was God doing? In some strange way I feel like it almost keeps me connected to her. Okay, I'm tired of crying and talking about my hurts because I could go on and on and on. How about some random memories
I remember when
-(my earliest memory)I must have been 2 or so and she brought bottle in for my sister to give to me
-(3 or so) long story really short. I had a hot dog my sister had sprayed blood on and I didn't want to eat it. I told her I didn't want it b/c there was blood on it and sh told e the wasn't and to eat it...I didn't
-delivering newspapers with her
-pinching and jumping on her fake boob and asking her if it hurt-she thought that was funny:)
-she was mad at my sister and couldn't get to her so she threw a broom at my sister like it was a javelin and it got her in the face (It's okay...we can laugh about this now)
-Oh the things she would say to the prank callers !!
-all the running she used to do for me. Now that I have my own kids I would never dream of it!
-one of the most recent. She had my mom call to make sure I didn't stick my hand in the garbage disposal when it was on! come on Nan....I'm blonde but give me some credit here!:)
I will never be able to look at life/death the same again